Dirty Modern Scoundrel! - The Musical
I'm sure it hasn't escaped your notice that the film Dirty Rotten Scoundrels has recently been turned into a musical. In response, here's my treatment for a jukebox musical: Dirty Modern Scoundrel!
SCENE 1: Ask
The curtain raises to dry ice and 1941 wartime ruins, rubble and destruction. Assembled architects and planners still in Royal Engineers uniforms climb the rubble and hoist blueprints up flagpoles in a heroic defending-the-barricades Les Mis manner as urchins tug at their heroic tunics.
They sing Ask by The Smiths.
Sample lyric:
If it's not love
Then it's the bomb
That will bring us together
SCENE 2: Cities
We see a map of Britain lies flat on the stage, not unlike the one used by the weatherman on This Morning. Planner Patrick Abercrombie jumps about across the UK, spitting out plans for cites in an ever more frantic manner, his suit and monocle increasing in size with each verse.
He sings Cities by Talking Heads.
Sample lyric:
I got it figured out
There's good points and bad points
Find a city
Find myself a city to live in
SCENE 3: Build
Rival housing ministers Macmillan and Crossman duet, on a giant monopoly board adding more and more houses and hotels, eventually piling them up to form tower blocks.
They sing Build by The Housemartins.
Sample lyric: Build a house where we can stay
Add a new bit everyday
It's build a road for us to cross
Build us lots and lots and lots and lots and lots
SCENE 4: The English Motorway System
Stuck in a Little Chef on the Preston Bypass, Dame Evelyn Sharp serenades a horrified John Betjeman with her vision of the English Motorway System.
She sings The English Motorway System by Black Box Recorder.
Sample lyric: The English motorway system is beautiful and strange
It's been there forever, it's never going to change
It eliminates all diversions, it eliminates all emotions
All you got to do to stay alive is drive.
SCENE 5: Empire State Human
A giant Harry Hyams sings this while climbing Centre Point, Richard Seifert clutched helplessly in his hand, as he swipes angrily at rocket ships and rotodynes.
He sings Empire State Human by the Human League.
Sample lyric: Since I was very young I realised
I never wanted to be human size
So I avoid the crowds and traffic jams
They just remind me of how small I am
Because of this longing in my heart
I'm going to start the growing part
I'm going to grow now and never stop
Think like a mountain, grow to the top.
SCENE 6: Underpass
Colin Buchanan sings in the underpasses of Birmingham, accompanied by a shadowy array of 'helvetica men' from Margaret Calvert's road signage, digging roads, crossing for school and striding purposefully.
He sings Underpass by John Foxx.
Sample lyric: Well I used to remember
Now it's all gone
World War something
We were somebody's sons
Underpass!
INTERVAL. Drinks are available in the bar.
SCENE 7: Losing My Edge
Smoky Soho jazz club, 1957. Reyner Banham, Alison and Peter Smithson and Denys Lasdun caught in a frantic dance of death with their own ambition.
They sing Losing My Edge by LCD Soundsystem.
Sample lyric:
I'm losing my edge.
The kids are coming up from behind.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to the kids from France and from London.
But I was there.
SCENE 8: Concrete Jungle
Tyneside. Ian Nairn reveals his uneasiness about the rebuilding of the city from the roof of the Trinity Square Car Park. Behind him T. Dan Smith, dressed as a pierrot, weeps for his own fate in front of the bullzdozer from the Ashes to Ashes video.
He sings Concrete Jungle by Bob Marley and the Wailers.
Sample lyric: Won't someone tell me 'cause
Life (sweet life) must be (got to be) somewhere to be found (out there somewhere out there for me)
Instead of concrete jungle (Jungle, jungle, jungle!)
SCENE 9: The Village Green Preservation Society
In the leafy village of Covent Garden, Betjeman again, dressed as a morris dancer, ties Evelyn Sharp to a maypole while the middle class denizens of the city descend upon her like the cast of The Wicker Man.
They sing The Village Green Preservation Society by The Kinks.
Sample lyric:
We are the skyscraper condemnation affiliate
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do
God save the village green.
SCENE 10: The Man Who Sold the World
Reginald Maudling, T Dan Smith (still dressed as a pierrot) and Alan Maudsley in a Guys and Dolls-style stylised gambling den. As they sing John Poulson, dressed as Mr Mestopholes from Cats, builds a giant house of cards behind them, which falls down and flattens them all in a riot of subtle symbolism.
Guys and
They sing The Man Who Sold the World by Lulu.
Sample lyric:
SCENE 11: Ghost Town
Basil Spence sits in Coventry Cathedral, weeping over a model of his Gorbals Queen Elizabeth Square flats, while haunted by Peter and Alison Smithson who torment him by poking him with the pointy bit of their losing design for the cathedral.
He sings Ghost Town by The Specials.
Sample lyric:
Do you remember the good old days
Before the ghost town?
We danced and sang,
And the music played inna de boomtown
SCENE 12: Side Streets
The chorus sing the song from windows in the Red Road flats, which are demolished at the end of the song during the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.
They sing Side Streets by Saint Etienne.
Sample lyric: The neighborhood that I live in,
I’ve always seen as home.
At certain times at the evening,
It’s like a no-go zone.
Got cash in my pocket to last the weekend.
And I’ve got features I quite like
And don’t mind keeping.
But I still walk the side streets home,
Even when I’m on my own.
If I let myself believe all the bad press and horror stories,
I wouldn’t set a foot outside.
CURTAIN.
Cast and crew to jump into giant taxi like the one from Ed Wood to escape audience seeking blood.
SCENE 1: Ask
The curtain raises to dry ice and 1941 wartime ruins, rubble and destruction. Assembled architects and planners still in Royal Engineers uniforms climb the rubble and hoist blueprints up flagpoles in a heroic defending-the-barricades Les Mis manner as urchins tug at their heroic tunics.
They sing Ask by The Smiths.
Sample lyric:
If it's not love
Then it's the bomb
That will bring us together
 |
| If it's not love then it's the bomb that will bring them together. |
We see a map of Britain lies flat on the stage, not unlike the one used by the weatherman on This Morning. Planner Patrick Abercrombie jumps about across the UK, spitting out plans for cites in an ever more frantic manner, his suit and monocle increasing in size with each verse.
He sings Cities by Talking Heads.
Sample lyric:
I got it figured out
There's good points and bad points
Find a city
Find myself a city to live in
SCENE 3: Build
Rival housing ministers Macmillan and Crossman duet, on a giant monopoly board adding more and more houses and hotels, eventually piling them up to form tower blocks.
They sing Build by The Housemartins.
Sample lyric: Build a house where we can stay
Add a new bit everyday
It's build a road for us to cross
Build us lots and lots and lots and lots and lots
SCENE 4: The English Motorway System
Stuck in a Little Chef on the Preston Bypass, Dame Evelyn Sharp serenades a horrified John Betjeman with her vision of the English Motorway System.
She sings The English Motorway System by Black Box Recorder.
Sample lyric: The English motorway system is beautiful and strange
It's been there forever, it's never going to change
It eliminates all diversions, it eliminates all emotions
All you got to do to stay alive is drive.
SCENE 5: Empire State Human
A giant Harry Hyams sings this while climbing Centre Point, Richard Seifert clutched helplessly in his hand, as he swipes angrily at rocket ships and rotodynes.
He sings Empire State Human by the Human League.
Sample lyric: Since I was very young I realised
I never wanted to be human size
So I avoid the crowds and traffic jams
They just remind me of how small I am
Because of this longing in my heart
I'm going to start the growing part
I'm going to grow now and never stop
Think like a mountain, grow to the top.
SCENE 6: Underpass
Colin Buchanan sings in the underpasses of Birmingham, accompanied by a shadowy array of 'helvetica men' from Margaret Calvert's road signage, digging roads, crossing for school and striding purposefully.
He sings Underpass by John Foxx.
Sample lyric: Well I used to remember
Now it's all gone
World War something
We were somebody's sons
Underpass!
INTERVAL. Drinks are available in the bar.
SCENE 7: Losing My Edge
Smoky Soho jazz club, 1957. Reyner Banham, Alison and Peter Smithson and Denys Lasdun caught in a frantic dance of death with their own ambition.
They sing Losing My Edge by LCD Soundsystem.
Sample lyric:
I'm losing my edge.
The kids are coming up from behind.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to the kids from France and from London.
But I was there.
SCENE 8: Concrete Jungle
Tyneside. Ian Nairn reveals his uneasiness about the rebuilding of the city from the roof of the Trinity Square Car Park. Behind him T. Dan Smith, dressed as a pierrot, weeps for his own fate in front of the bullzdozer from the Ashes to Ashes video.
He sings Concrete Jungle by Bob Marley and the Wailers.
Sample lyric: Won't someone tell me 'cause
Life (sweet life) must be (got to be) somewhere to be found (out there somewhere out there for me)
Instead of concrete jungle (Jungle, jungle, jungle!)
 |
| T Dan Smith (centre) has never done good things, he's never done bad things, he's never done anything out of the blue. |
In the leafy village of Covent Garden, Betjeman again, dressed as a morris dancer, ties Evelyn Sharp to a maypole while the middle class denizens of the city descend upon her like the cast of The Wicker Man.
They sing The Village Green Preservation Society by The Kinks.
Sample lyric:
We are the skyscraper condemnation affiliate
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do
God save the village green.
SCENE 10: The Man Who Sold the World
Reginald Maudling, T Dan Smith (still dressed as a pierrot) and Alan Maudsley in a Guys and Dolls-style stylised gambling den. As they sing John Poulson, dressed as Mr Mestopholes from Cats, builds a giant house of cards behind them, which falls down and flattens them all in a riot of subtle symbolism.
Guys and
They sing The Man Who Sold the World by Lulu.
Sample lyric:
We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long, long time ago
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long, long time ago
Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world
 |
| T. Dan Smith, John Poulson, Alan Maudsley, Reginald Maudling and associates. |
Basil Spence sits in Coventry Cathedral, weeping over a model of his Gorbals Queen Elizabeth Square flats, while haunted by Peter and Alison Smithson who torment him by poking him with the pointy bit of their losing design for the cathedral.
He sings Ghost Town by The Specials.
Sample lyric:
Do you remember the good old days
Before the ghost town?
We danced and sang,
And the music played inna de boomtown
SCENE 12: Side Streets
The chorus sing the song from windows in the Red Road flats, which are demolished at the end of the song during the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.
They sing Side Streets by Saint Etienne.
Sample lyric: The neighborhood that I live in,
I’ve always seen as home.
At certain times at the evening,
It’s like a no-go zone.
Got cash in my pocket to last the weekend.
And I’ve got features I quite like
And don’t mind keeping.
But I still walk the side streets home,
Even when I’m on my own.
If I let myself believe all the bad press and horror stories,
I wouldn’t set a foot outside.
CURTAIN.
Cast and crew to jump into giant taxi like the one from Ed Wood to escape audience seeking blood.
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